French Diaries

The Searching Journey

February 12, 2019Daughter of Christ

First of all, I just want to apologize for only posting one blog last year, it was one crazy year between school, holidays, a really bad car accident that I was in, in July and I have since been trying to get better, but that's for another blog post.

I think I am going to change this blog up a little bit. All but the first post have been about encouraging people and telling my testimony. I still want to encourage others with my posts and I still want to write about my testimony, past and present, but I also want to do what this blog website is actually called French Diaries. I believe the Lord has called me to use this as sort of a diary of what I am feeling and what He is telling me, who knows where this could go.

I have been really struggling lately because I had to move from California to Washington after the accident. I planned to come here, but not this soon. I wanted to finish school and then once that happened, Will and I would head to Washington to live our lives here, but the Lord had a far different plan: I would move to Washington and Will would stay in California with his family. Which has been hard, being separated for so long.

The thing that I have been REALLY struggling with recently is finding a job. I have been basically disabled as of recently due to the accident (I broke both ankles, right femur, and got my knee stuck in the dashboard that came forward) and was denied disability from the state. December 27 was the first time in 6 months that I was able to drive again. I have been asking family, friends, and doing surveys (which don't pay much for as long as you have to do them) to afford gas and two credit card bills that I have to pay every month. I just want to start making my own income so that I don't have to keep asking people for me and so that I can enjoy entertainment with friends like going to a movie or going out to eat, which I can't do right now unless I ask somebody for money.

I've been looking for work since I stopped working in 2017 as a Federal Work Study Student from the college that I was attending at the time. I had to leave that job because I graduated with my Associate's Degree ( YAY ME!) I then started to attend a university and received grant money, which is what helped me pay the rent for the rooms that I was in, in California. Some months, my boyfriend did help me out when he was able to do so.

Now that I'm in Washington and almost to where I was before the accident, with some extra metal on my bones, I've been applying to jobs that I think I could be able to do because I can't carry anything heavy at the moment. I've been constantly, every day applying to every job that I can and haven't heard from any of them as of yet. It's really hard not to become discouraged when you either get a "sorry, but we advanced with somebody else" or you don't even hear anything. I'm in the middle of being discouraged and having faith in God at the same time if that makes any sense. I am discouraged that I cannot find or be accepted by a job, but I also know that God has a plan for everything and even in this waiting for a job or even for a financial miracle, I know that He has a plan for this season of waiting.

I've been trying to listen to Him of what to do or where to go to apply, but I really haven't heard him say anything about anything job wise, which confuses me, but even in my confusion, I will still trust in Him and His plan. In the right time, He will show me where to apply or if I will get a financial miracle. Whatever is going to happen is up to Him and I just have to trust in Him, which can be very difficult for me because my type of personality is someone who wants to know what to do right away and I want to constantly be doing something. I don't like to wait or not be doing anything or earning/saving money for now and the future.

The other thing that I have been worried/stressed about is that I want to be independent again. I want to own my own apartment. I want an apartment, but how am I to get one when I don't have money coming in every month and proof that I can pay for it. I need an apartment that will also accept pets so that I can have my cat once again live with me because I haven't slept with him since 2017 when he left for Washington that winter. Which then means that I have to also save money for a pet deposit as well. My mom has been sending me quite a few apartments that are pretty cheap and do accept pets. It gets me excited for when I get a job because I'll be able to live on my own for once in my life and have my own space, be as loud or quiet as I want, get on the diet that I want to be on, and go to the gym whenever I want. But like I said above, I have to wait for His timing for when everything is going to happen.

With all this being said, I know that God will provide for me just as He has always done. God says that the best is yet to come. When He makes you wait, He's setting you up for something you could never imagine.

Thank You, Lord, for all that You have done in my life. Thank You for allowing Will and I to live after our accident in July. Thank You for healing both of us. Thank You for Your blessings each and every day. Thank You for waking me up every day. Thank You for new blessings every single day. Thank You for bringing Will into my life. Just thank You for everything you have done and continue to do for me. Thank You for always providing for me. Thank You for loving me enough to die for me. Thank You for the wait and for the trials. Thank You for who You are and always have been.

2018 Christ encouragement.

Trust

February 06, 2018Daughter of Christ

Trust...

...it's a hard topic for many people including me.

It is very hard for me to trust people after they have hurt me, even once. I wish it wasn't like this, but sadly, I have no idea how to get out of this never-ending cycle. When you hurt me, I build a wall that is very hard to break down again, I become distant, and I watch my back and constantly look over my shoulder to see if someone is doing that thing again. It takes seconds to break trust and a lifetime to repair it. I guess someone could say that I trust too much when I'm not supposed to. Actions speak louder than words. It's like once you've been hurt, you're so scared to get attached again. Like you have this fear that every person you come into contact with is going to break your heart. It's a sad life to live, unfortunately, I still struggle with this when others hurt me.

Many who I never thought would have hurt me. People closest to me have let me down in ways that I never could imagine them ever doing. How many more times will I let them keep hurting me until I have finally had enough? They've hurt me more than once and yet I keep saying that it's okay and that I forgive them or try to forgive them, why do I do this? Every relationship that you have with somebody, love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to. So many times has this been so right and I think that's why it hurts so much when it happens. So many times, I just wanna say to some of them: "stop asking me to trust you when I'm still chocking on the water from the last time you let me drown." I don't trust words, I trust actions.

Some say that the best way to avoid disappointment is to not expect anything from anybody, but how do you do that when you are a forgiver? Your heart is so large that you don't know how to give up on people because you always believed the good in the those you love. It was until you were walked on so many times, you had no choice but to let go of those who burned holes in your heart. "Sorry" works when mistakes are made, but not when trust is broken. So in life, make mistakes (as few as possible), but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy, but forgetting and trusting again is sometimes impossible. The only way that you can possibly trust again is through the Lord. Trust is built in very slow moments.

The worst kind of hurt is betrayal because it means someone was willing to hurt you just to make themselves feel better. Life has taught me that you can't control someone's loyalty. No matter how good you are to them, doesn't mean they'll treat you the same. Sometimes the people you love the most, turn out to be the people you can trust the least. It's hard to trust when all you have from the past is evidence why you shouldn't. This is the ultimate fear of someone who has been abused and abandoned; that he or she will pour out their heart and be vulnerable one more time, and is hurt once again. I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you. It's funny how the people that hurt you the most are the ones that swore they never would. It's not the future you are afraid of. It's the fear of the past repeating itself that haunts you. Forgiving them isn't the hardest part, it's trusting them again.

I have learned not to put my trust in man (that includes men and women) because even if they don't mean to, they can break that trust very easily, but the Lord? He will never break His promises, He will never break the trust. In Isaiah 40:31 it states "Those who trust in the Lord will find strength. Whatever you are going through, if He has brought you to it, He will bring you out of it. I try to be the love that I've never had. God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is faith.- Joel 2:25. But just remember that the pain you are feeling now doesn't compare to the joy that's coming.

If you look at many of the Psalms you will find many scriptures saying to trust in the Lord. This is because we can't rely on anybody else except Him. The Lord knows how many times I have prayed to Him about removing the thoughts that keep come flooding back, why don't they go away though? God is more powerful than any of your circumstances, He's telling you to trust in Him, don't you hear Him? He's saying that He's going to restore your trust again, He is going to allow you to forgive your enemies. Walk with God when your heart needs company. Turn to God when you need someone to lean on. Take His hands when you feel alone. He is there when you need Him most and even when you think you don't need him at all. Never give up, never back down, never lose faith and trust God, He can do the impossible.

You know what they say, God has a time for your healing and for your breakthrough. Trust His timing. I relax in the peace and silence of God's loving presence. I let go of all outer concerns and place them in the hands of my God. I am calm and still and receiving God's blessings. I am a beloved child of God, and God's loving presence flows through me now and always. God is saying to you today, "Don't give up. I am faithful. I am going to restore you. I am going to heal you. I'm going to make a way for you. I did it before and I will do it again." Always know that God is always building you, even when it seems like He's breaking you. Sometimes people are waiting for God to do something and He's waiting for them to PRAY. Trust God. I know you're very worried and afraid that know no matter the outcome, God is still in control. He can heal every hurt, every ounce of pain that you feel, every wrong that you ever did.

When you come out of the storm you will not be the same person who walked in. That is what the storm is all about. Faith is trusting God even when you don't understand His plan. Pray, then let it go. Don't try and manipulate or force the outcome. Just trust God to open the right doors at the right time. Even though you may be hurting, just know that God has a plan. Have faith and believe you will be stronger in the end.God is going to allow you to recover everything you lost, plus gain some extra blessings you didn't even qualify for. God says in Isaiah 43:2 "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you." Give it over to God, the battle is not yours. God never allows pain without purpose. Trust God with what you can not change. Maybe God hasn't given you that relationship of your dreams because He's preparing you for the Marriage of your prayers.

God's plans will always be greater and more beautiful than all of your disappointments. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18. The Lord will fulfill His purposes for me. Psalm 138:8. God is going to use your struggle to save others. You will get through this, I guarantee it. He has to ensure you have victory so you give hope to others that they can also have victory. "I will answer." Call to Me and I will answer you and tell you great and mighty things you could never understand on your own. Jeremiah 33:3. In God I put my trust; I will not be afraid of what man can do unto me. Psalm 56:11. And if the sorrow clouds your soul, don't fight it; allow the tears to flow. We are not meant to be invincible, we bruise easily, and the heart is soft; prone to bleed at the slightest touch. It is in those moments of sadness that we must be brave enough to allow Christ in, to let Him be present in our pain.

With all of this, I leave you all this: God has a new beginning in store for you and the way you prepare for it is by getting rid of the old. Don't spend time focusing on where you've been; spend time focusing on where you're going. When you forget the former things, it means you're not worried about the past anymore. You don't allow it to dictate your future. You may remember past events, but you don't feel the pain like you used to. You've opened your heart to receive God's healing. Begin today by declaring that your past is over! Forget the former things and receive the restoration and victory God has in store for you!

2017 Christ disciple

Listen

November 15, 2017Daughter of Christ

Wow!!! I never knew that my post would/could ever reach 675 plus views! Well, I'm just grateful that 675+ people have read and heard His name and even a scripture from the Bible.

Well, this post is going to be about Listening to God.

Now before you tune out or turn this post off because you heard the word "God," just take a read and be mind blown by Him.

I'll be honest, I have struggled recently with listening to God's voice in decisions that I make, maybe that's why my life has been one stress added after another. He opens doors that no man can shut and closes doors that no man can open. Maybe not listening to Him/not hearing Him is due to the fact that I lack heavily on reading His word and most times lack praying and giving all of my burdens 100% to Him. Sometimes God closes doors because it is time to move forward. He knows you will not move unless circumstances force you to.

Listen to God. He knows what's best for you. Don't just go about making the choices that you want, but with everything you say and do, consult Him. If you wonder why things mess up and don't work out, odds are you jumped the gun and did not consult God. Trust in His timing and listen to His voice. Sometimes God stays silent until we're ready to listen. Pray, not until God hears you, but until you listen to God. The devil cannot stop God from answering your prayer, but he can stop you from praying to those prayers; don't let him! One thing that always runs through my head is to pray on it, pray over it, but most of all, pray through it.

One thing that you should do is to pray to God for His wisdom and when you pry be sure that you listen as well as talk. You have things you want to say to God, but He also has things to say to you. You should always be faithful and believe that He can make all things work for your good. Listen and let God speak first. Even when you feel like you have no idea what to pray about or that you won't be heard, pray to Him that He would listen to your heart.

Satan tries to limit your praying because he knows your praying will limit him. The enemy is not fighting you because you're weak. He is fighting you because you're strong. God is going to do something so big in your life that it will shock your enemies and rock your world. Don't quit, don't give up! You may not see the way that God is going to do it. you may not know what to do next. Just be still and know that God is God. He doesn't need our help. He doesn't need us to tell Him what to do or how to do it. His plan is already in place. He knew what this moment in time would come and He has already prepared a way for you, so trust in Him, always. God is making a way for you right now. Heaven has heard your prayers. Stand back and watch God work on your behalf, He has you.

As James 1:19 says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry..." And also in Psalm 46:10 "He says, 'Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.' " Hearing God speak is often more about being quiet enough to listen, having faith enough to believe it's Him and being brave enough to obey. Want a few tips for listening? God if the best listener, you don't need to shout, nor cry out loud, because He hears even the very silent prayer of a sincere heart.

"When God decides to bless you, He will cause situations to come together in your favor... no matter what others try to do." ~Christie Joyner. "

I want to spend less time asking God for answers and more time listening to what he has to say.

2017 Christ church

Depression

November 07, 2017Daughter of Christ

2017 Beautiful Christ

YOU are worthy!

September 30, 2017Daughter of Christ

I'm going to be talking to and about someone in this blog post, although I'm not mentioning any names, once you read this, you will know who you are and I hope that it encourages you more than I hope I do now.

You are more than what people say you are. You are more than what others say about you. You are far more valuable than what others have put in your mind. You are far more wonderful than you could ever imagine. You are far more loved than you could ever hope. You are far more handsome/beautiful than you think yourself to be.

I know that others have put you down a lot in your life whether it be calling you stupid, pathetic, unworthy, fat, ugly, etc. You are none of those and I hope that you know that. You were created by an amazing God that we serve. You are far more valuable to him than even to me. You are His precious son/daughter. You are worth more than what others say you aren't. You are far more loved, that Jesus took His own life on the cross because He loved you so much.

Many, many people have put you down in life saying that you will never be anything, but every single day, yo keep showing them that you are more than what they say. You are also showing them that what they say about you has no effect on you. You are proving them wrong as Will once said, "Don't do you, do GOD!" Please do not ever doubt your worth. Self-worth comes from God. Not your achievements. Not from people. Not from outward appearances. Not from materialistic possessions. From GOD alone will you see your worth.

He has put you on this planet for a reason. You may not have all of the answers of why He is doing, what He is doing but soon you will. You may not know what He wants you to do in life, but soon you will. You may be having many thoughts about what you could do, but soon you will, as long as you keep in His word and ask Him for direction and to work out His will in your life. I know it may be hard most days to pick up His word and to talk to Him, but once you do, you will never feel the same again.

People may have beat you down in your past, but PLEASE do not feel as they have said you are.You are not who they say you are. Do not let them engrave in your mind what they say you are because you only need the Lord Jesus to help you overcome those thoughts in your head. If you try to shove those thoughts deep down inside of you, they will come to the surface when you least expect it. Please do not let them make you feel so little and do not let them think that you are not worth more than what they can give you. Do not allow your heart to be troubled when things happen or have happened to you, allow Jesus to heal you. People will want to tear you down, but only because they hated Him first. Rejoice when things like this happen for righteousness sake because you know that they are only saying these things because of what they think of Him.

Things come to the surface when you least expect them to and they may come when you don't even know it's there. You may think that you have stuffed that thing far down to where you think it won't come to the surface, but something will always trigger that memory and make you hurt all over again. That's why you need God to help you heal because they will never truly go away until you allow Him to take the hurt away from you. You could have all of the men in your life thus far treat you horribly and you meet this one guy and you stuff the past pain down and think that you're truly giving your hurt to God, but you have to be real with yourself, you NEED to fully give that hurt to God so that you can love a significant other again, again that is only an example.

You may feel as if you are ugly/not beautiful/not handsome because that's what others have said to you throughout your life, but you must know that that is not at all true. God created you in HIS perfect image. You may not be perfect, you may sin, and you may disobey God, but despite these things that we try to better ourselves with, He loves you just the same and He gives you mercies every single day. You mustn't listen to what the world says about you, only what God says about you. You are beautiful in His image whether you or the people around you see it or not. Mirrors are just glass, but you are more than that. A rose can never be a sunflower and a sunflower can never be a rose. All flowers are beautiful in their own way (that's including both men and women). Be the rose, sunflower, lily, iris, daisy, daffodil, marigold, etc that God has called you to me.

I will leave you with this last thought: "You'll have moments when you feel like a lion, and moments when you feel like a mouse. Just know that no matter how you feel, you still have a heartbeat and a soul worthy of everything, so learn to roar even when you feel small because you are more than the feelings you may have." -T.B. LaBerge. YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!

Christ encouragement. Forgiveness

Forgiveness

September 14, 2017Daughter of Christ

Obviously, from the title of this blog and the picture that you first saw, I will be talking about Forgiveness.

I have always had a problem with truly forgiving someone and letting go of what they did to me, I believe that this is because of my past. I have put up a wall in a sense when anything happens to me because I've been hurt so much that I don't want anyone to hurt me again like I've been hurt in the past.

Something recently happened between someone that I'm really close to and me. This person did something that really hurt my feelings and then this person asked for forgiveness and I then thought I forgave this person. Until the thing kept hindering in my mind in random times which would then cause me to burst out into tears, just thinking about this situation. I talked with this person and I told them how I was feeling and this person then made me realize that my past was coming back into my life because I would think about everything that has happened with this certain gender for most of life and it literally hurt my heart to think about, but no matter if I prayed or tried to distract my mind, it would keep coming back.

I then took to Facebook to ask people how they have been able to forgive somebody and they gave me this link. I then took notes on what was talked about and here's what I got:

What is forgiveness not?

1.) Forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is not something that happens to us, it's more proactive than that. We don't have to feel like forgiving someone to do it.

2.) Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Sometimes when we forgive someone, we think that everything has to go back exactly the way it was, but by doing this, we could actually be setting ourselves up to be hurt again in the exact same way. We can forgive the offense, but that doesn't mean that we don't set up new boundaries or redefine our expectations of the relationship to ensure that what they did, doesn't happen again.

3.) Forgiveness is not forgetting. You may never forget what that person did to you if we wait until we have forgotten to forgive, we may never get there and again, this is because forgiveness is not something that happens to us, it is much more proactive than that.

Now the question we all are looking for: What IS Forgiveness?

1.) Forgiveness is a command. Mark 11:25. Ephesians 4:32. Colossians 3:13. Matthew 6:15. Forgiveness is a command from God. Forgiveness is not something we do when we feel like it, it's not something that magically happens when we forget. It is an act of the will.

2.) Forgiveness is an act of faith. In doing it, we are actually being imitators of God. Christ didn't forgive us because we deserve it, He did it so that we would not have to carry around the guilt and the shame and the repercussions of sin any longer.

3.) Forgiveness is letting go. We have no control over the people who hurt us. When we have bitterness/not letting go then we give what they did to us to control us. The longer we hold onto something, the more power it has over us.

It's only when we are willing to forgive and let go that we are saying, "You don't have power over me anymore.What you did hurt me once, but I'm not going to let it hurt me again and again. You may not deserve my forgiveness, but I don't deserve to carry around what you did to me, so I'm letting it go." Forgiveness may be hard, but it is a good thing, it doesn't mean that the pain is gone because it's not about making feelings go away, it doesn't mean that everything is okay now because it's not a magic pill that we can just take. Forgiving someone else does not set us free from everything, but it does free us from the prison of hostility, bitterness, and hatred. Choosing to forgive means that we are choosing the way of God.

I'm still hurting from what happened, but I have forgiven this person and as I'm writing this, I realize that this is the first time in a few days that I'm thinking about what happened and it doesn't make me want to cry. I know that the person who hurt me didn't mean to and I trust that this person won't do it again because they saw how much it hurt me and they are a child of God and would never want to see one of His princess' cry or even be sad. Forgiveness is a way to show mercy (as He has shown much mercy for us) not to hold the offense up against the offender, it is an expression of love.

Here's a prayer for forgiveness: Father, I lay down (person's name) to You. Lord, I'm having a hard time letting go of the hurt. God, I want to forgive, but the pain is almost too hard to let go of. But today I choose to give it to you. When they (tell Him whatever they did), it crushed my soul. I give You that hurt. Lord, heal every part of me that is being affected by this situation. I release them and the situation to You. In Jesus' name, Amen.